Patch Me Up

My soul is aching today. I'm doing my best to appease it, with yoga, and Johnny Cash and an outfit that speaks to me. I do my best to mend my soul, like I do my clothing. This dress has a pretty glaring patch on the back, but I refused to let it die.

I'm having a hard time of things in general lately, which makes me retreat onto myself. It's safe in my colourful, lively home, away from the world's demands and the people in it. Getting through a week is exhausting and mentally taxing and I just don't have the energy for people much anymore.



I'm tired of chasing after people. Tired of feeling like nobody wants me around. I can only try so many times before the futility of it gets to me. And it's frustrating because I feel like I am an amazing person with a lot to offer as a friend. But nobody seems interested in finding out, no matter how I try.

I do have some wonderful friends here, but their lives are busy and full. It's easy to fall between the cracks. And I just don't know how to get close to them, how to really build our friendship into what I so desperately need. It's hard when you always feel like you're imposing, like a burden, like the person taken pity upon, even if it's not true.

 

So I'm spending another weekend alone. Because I'm done trying for a while. If anybody wants me, they know where I am. It just makes me feel tenfold worse when I stick out my neck and have it blow up in my face. It's easier to just accept being alone. At least I'm used to it. Cheers...

Nyx

I found one of my tarantulas flipped over on its back this morning, as I was on my way to school. From experience I knew this meant it was going to molt, and grow.



By the time I got home it had molted and mostly regained its colouration (many invertebrates are pale and milky in colour after a molt, much like an albino, until their exoskeletons finish expanding and hardening).



As you can see, Nyx has reached somewhere around 4 1/2" to 5" in legspan, depending on how far he stretches out his legs. I say 'he' tentatively, but I am mostly certain I am now in possession of another mature male.



This tarantula is 4 years and 10 months old. I raised it up from an itty witty little thing. It's amazing that this palm-sized creature used to be the size of my pinky finger nail. Nature's magic! Cheers!

Fresh

My head is freshly shaved again, which is nice. That side had been getting longer than I'd like having it. You can really see the difference between this photo and those from my previous post, and that's just two weeks' growth.

My hair grows like a weed! Which I suppose in one way is a good thing, for when I decide I'm over this style. Thankfully a $10 beard trimmer is all I need to keep it shaved down - who needs a hair dresser? Can't wait until I can wear this outfit without leggings and socks beneath it... Cheers!

Barefoot Psychedelia

I don't dress to fit in. I don't follow trends or worry about being in style. I don't worry about what people may think about my clothes. I feel bad for people who look like carbon copies of each other, all dressed in different versions of the same thing, with similar hairstyles. Lost in consumerism and mass marketing.

 

It doesn't take much to be made to believe we want something. Just a few people touting its wonderfulness and the mob flocks to acquire whatever it is, be it the newest Apple product or any garment with the current It Colour (I'll never forget the summer of coral hues). I just wish people would take half a second, and think about why they are wearing what they do. Is it because you like it and it makes you happy? Or because you were convinced that was true? Thinking for ourselves is important, don't lose yourself in commercialism and mass produced scrap. Cheers...

Bright Alterations

I don't lightly cut into vintage garments, but I like to personalize my clothing and if I can alter it to please me or fit me better, by golly I will! So I cut away the lower half of my vintage maxi, and made the scraps into a wrap skirt.

 

I'm very happy with its new length. As gorgeous and wonderful as is the print, it's also just very loud and intense and a full length dress of it was just a bit too much to take in. Part of me misses the original maxi of it, but I love the new dress and the wrap skirt I made out of it. Two for the price of one! Cheers!

Interview

I had a job interview yesterday for an Assistant Cook position, and this is what I wore. Of course I combed my hair more modestly and hid my septum piercing, so that my appearance wouldn't unjustly colour their opinion of me.

It's sad that something like a hair cut or a facial piercing can make or break an interview but that's still the world we live in. It makes me grateful to be the blonde, cisgendered white woman I am, which makes me extremely privileged compared to most. It doesn't make me better, it just makes me lucky, and I try to be aware of that. Cheers...

Just Like A Woman

The title for my blog comes from a Bob Dylan song, from his album Blonde on Blonde. There's something about it that just resonates with me. I'm more than a little taken with Bob Dylan though, from his traditional folk music in the 60's to his newer albums now. (I was even listening to his Christmas album around the holidays and I never listen to Christmas music!)

She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl

It's not upbeat, it's actually rather dark. But something about it... I don't know how to explain it. There's a tenderness to it, an unhidden weakness and vulnerability. It's just beautiful and real. If you don't like Dylan that's probably hard to understand but there it is... Cheers!

I Could Have Died

I was driving in a snowstorm last night, having brought my friend back to her home in the next town over after having her over for dinner and a visit. I'd made most of the trip without issue, and I was coming up on the outskirts of my town. Large wet flakes were falling from the sky, and the highway was completely covered. Visibility was extremely poor. My speed was well below the limit and I was being careful. That didn't make a lick of difference.

It happened instantly. One second, everything was fine. The next the world was spinning around me as my vehicle slid in circles. Blood rushed hot in my veins as I lifted my foot from the gas pedal and did my best to steer away from hazards. I watched the snowy landscape flash past in my headlight beams, praying all the while that I wouldn't fly into a light post or a deep ditch or another vehicle.

That there was no one driving towards me, and no one close behind, is something for which I am deeply grateful. My van eventually slowed and skidded into a fat snowbank on the side of the highway. I was able to just drive right out and come home. But it could have been so very, very different. I could have died.



That's something of which I've always been conscious. It only takes a split second, a chance happening, and a life is snuffed out, or destroyed forever. As I gripped my steering wheel and did my best to control my runaway vehicle, I had an image flash back to me.

A few weeks ago I was driving to school one morning and passed a truck being pulled from the ditch. It had rolled, at least once, as it went over. The cab and the hood were crumpled and crushed, as if a giant fist had smashed down on it in anger. I could picture my own van, upside down in a ditch, lights muffled in the snow. Injured and bleeding out. And no one would know I was there.

I know still that I could go out today, and that could happen again. And it might not go as well as it did last night. I could let fear cripple me. Some people can never drive again, after being in an accident. But I can't live like that. My eyes were forced open again, to reality. I can just hope that I make the most of it, that I don't let good things pass me by for fear. I've lived in fear of so many things for too long. It's time to stop that. Because do I really want to die, having been too afraid to go out and get the things I want? Hell no. I'm still afraid though, of all the stupid little things. Even after all that.

A year ago, I was afraid. Afraid of what might be, and what might not. I had big decisions to make. Eventually, I pushed that fear aside and took the plunge. And now here I am, so grateful and happy that I did. It's time I get to know that brave woman again, find out why I let her slip away. I could have died. And that brave woman would not be happy with me for how I've been living. I could have died.

So there's no sense living paralyzed in fear, because that's next to death. But I am alive! No more sleep-walking through life. No more fear. I have a gift, we all do, and there's no sense in wasting it. Cheers...

Rustic

I'm still having fun with switching glasses on a daily basis, and my hair is just making things even more enjoyable. It's both a challenge and a thrill to wear feminine looks, I feel sharp and unique. More so than usual heh.

I have an interview tomorrow, and I'm nervous and excited. It's for an Assistant Cook's job at a remote island canoe camp. It'd be a dream, doing what I love for a living and getting paid to do it in practical paradise. Fingers crossed it goes well and both they and I are happy with the outcome! Cheers!

Plain and Simple

I wanted something simple and comfortable to wear today. So I pulled this on. I can't fit into half my clothes anymore, which is horrible. I need to lose weight soon or I'll be out of clothes to wear altogether and have to start wandering around in a muumuu.

I am still in love with my new hair cut. I see myself in the mirror and it just feels like my hair has been like this forever. It was definitely the right move! I look forward to eventual warm weather when I can really set my mane free. Cheers!

Unfortunate

Well I had no idea this whole one-side-shaved cut was a 'thing' right now. I just felt like shaving my head. I am now accidentally trendy and hipster-like. Sigh. It's like that year where looking like a hippy was popular and I just blended right in. Unfortunate!

Regardless I still really like the new cut and I'm going to be keeping it like this for the foreseeable future. My parents were more receptive to it than I'd expected but I still have to break it to my grandmother

I'm just lousy at that whole conservative thing. Why conform? It's sad and boring. Meanwhile this new cut makes me feel like a spiffy sci-fi character, or a viking shield maiden! Cheers!

New Hair

I've been wanting to change my hair for a while now, mulling over different lengths and styles. When I was a teen I had extremely short, spiked hair with shaved sections and I kind of missed that. After all these years of long hair though,  I would have missed it too much if I cut it all away. And that's how I ended up with this!



My scalp feels a little cold and naked now but once spring warms up that won't be an issue. I'm so glad I did this, it's a fun change without doing anything too drastic. If I part it further to the other side, I can camouflage the shaved part for things like interviews too, which is nice. Yay, new hair! Cheers!

Crisp Sunrise

Not a lot to say again. I'm busy doing homework a lot of the time lately. So here's a quick outfit shot and a photo of the sunrise on Friday morning.

At this point I really need to treasure the little things, like admiring the sun rising, because gazing at the big picture is just too difficult.

Endless Blinding Winter

Scarf Inspiration

This outfit was built around my scarf today. I bought it when I was in Belgium, so it's extra special to me, even if on its own it's probably one of a million and more. I felt like being extra bright and colourful and it fit the bill perfectly.

I had a good week visiting friends, even though a snow squall kept me away from home a day longer than planned. I cannot wait for Spring to get here and this interminable winter to finally be over!

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday, but I have laundry to go do. At least I started things off nicely by doing some yoga in the morning sunshine. I'm doing my best to enjoy the little things, because the grand scope is daunting and overwhelming lately. Colour makes me happy, and so I indulge. Cheers!